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Sheet Bitch
Reports from The Forest of Delights say that a strange female hiding under a bed sheet is terrorising the local wildlife as well as disturbing Axe Max during his duties. "I dunno! Some fucking sheet bitch!" Says Max as we ask him what he saw. "Some slut bitch in a sheet, what else do you want me to call it?" Of course, getting a straight answer out of Max is pointless. He continues, "..she didn't have legs, or whatever. I guess she did but...If I see this sheet bitch again, she gets an axe to the face." Squirrels that Max has become 'one' with have been found hung from tree branches by their tails, hundreds of them swing silently in the forest's breeze, some have been hanging for so long and gone unnoticed that they now hang as skeletons. Burrowed holes from various animals are filled with witch-like flower bouquets that give off a sour scent. They are wrapped very strategically and upon investigation, the bouquets contain 1 squirrel heart tied with potent leaves found deep within the Forest. This has left any burrowing animal dead in their holes, enclosing the corpse deep in the ground that eventually will give off a rotten smell when the sun heats the forest up. Axe Max has thousands of traps littered around The Forest - yet none have been disturbed by 'Sheet Bitch'. Maybe she really doesn't have any legs, but what does that make her? We asked Max for further analysis. "She sings. That's how I know she's a she. Nothing familiar, probably comfort singing. She has no legs because at first I thought it was a joke by you guys. This thing moved as if it were liquid, flowing through the trees and branches with ease - sheet blowing but always remaining over her head and that's when I knew it wasn't a joke. This was definitely some bitch in a sheet." We asked him why he had only just reported this to us now, and not weeks beforehand when he claims he saw something "white like a sheet" moving through the trees one night. "Well, you fuckers didn't listen to me when I mentioned the sheet so I took investigating matters into my own hands. That's around the time my squirrels started to go missing. I'd hear an eery humming around my tent at night a lot, but there were no snapping of twigs on the ground around me so I believed it was my mind playing tricks...Turns out, this fucking bitch in a sheet had been floating around me all this time without my knowledge. It's creepy as fuck, but I assure you here, I will put my Axe through her face." Axe Max never needed to assure us, but when he did it usually meant Barry would be cleaning blood from some form of surface sooner or later. He had his bucket and bleach at the ready. It was just 2 days later when we heard from Max. Well. It was his Axe, not Max that decided to show up. The Axe that belongs to Max had been left outside the Main Lobby. There was no blood or anything at all peculiar on it - apart from the lack of Max wielding it.....